There are too many voices in my head. They´re all speaking at once. I don´t know which is my voice, what do I think? Why do I even ask for help when I continue to ignore what people tell me? I never learn my lesson.
Despite what my boyfriend has told me I will continue to write whatever I please because it´s to whomever reads my blog that I am speaking to whether they know me personally or not. I´ve had plenty of time to think as I have mentioned several times, but today I finally prove to myself that I can handle whatever is thrown at me. I am no longer weak. I will no longer succumb. I will stand my ground and no one can deny me my words.
My emotions get the better of me, I do admit, but at least my arguments tend to make sense. What I say should matter and if it doesn´t then why do you bother reading what I have to say? That´s why when I started this blog I warned that not everyone will agree with what I have to say, but I guess a lot of people appreciate me more than I thought; unlike some people. I love. I do. I love my boyfriend and sometimes I do not understand why.
Why has our relationship lasted? I´d say it´s me, but I could be wrong. It´s this idiotic thing called love. That evil sensation that taked over your body, mind, and soul and controls you until the moment you´re crushed, broken, torn apart. The pain that follows a heartbreak is more painful than anything, but the pain you feel knowing you´re breaking but cannot deny your love and want to continue on is the worst kind of pain. The pain of not wanting to let go. To move on. Fear that maybe you may never feel again, love the way you did once. Know what it is to feel love in return.
Loneliness. Being alone and feeling that maybe you may never find the right person to take you in their arms and completely let you in. Not having someone to spend every moment of your life with. Seeing their face and feeling your heart skip a beat. Thinking of them all the time you disgust yourself at the uncomfortable moments they pop into your head.
Always wanting to talk to them, see them, just be with them. The excitment of doing things with them, going out and cherishing each other´s presence. Being able to talk to them and know you´re not being judged, that they love you wholeheartedly and accept everything about you. Enjoying each other´s company and feeling like they´re your best friend. However, sometimes you don´t get all of that. You´re let down. Disappointed. Lonely even when you´re with that person. When you no longer feel your heart skip a beat, why are you still with that person?
And yet, there are those times where your heart is the only heart skipping a beat. The only one yearning for the other person, wanting to see them, touch them, be with them. You´re the only one searching, begging, and squeezing as much as you can from the other person. That´s when you´re the only one feeling love and not receiving it in return. That´s when you beging to think that maybe you will forever be the only one feeling this way and it kills you to know that this is not everything you pictured. You need more.
It´s time, to move on. I´m still stuck. I don´t know where I am. What do I feel? I know I feel love but how do I really know that I´m being loved back. To truly see love you sometimes literally have to see it. When the other person looks you in the eye with that smile on your face that makes you blush. When you feel them looking at you but you´re too shy to make eye contact. And maybe they can´t afford much, especially in this economy, they still make an effort to make you smile. To make you things, write you things, do whatever pleases you.
That they don´t care about what people think or say about you two. They treat you the same no matter where you are or who you´re with. That they make sure to spend as much time with you as they can and making those moments specail. Even if it´s the littlest things like knocking on your door in the morning for no apparent reason, just to see you; to see your face, your smile, to be with you and only you. Their full attention on you, on what you have to say, on what you´re going to do next. Not to the point where they´re creepy and stalking you but just enough to make you feel like they care.
The way they reach for your hand and not let go despite how sweaty they are. The way they yearn to kiss you and kiss you right, not just sexually. To be sweet with you as if you were just meeting for the first time.
I´m a cheesy romantic, I must admit, and sometimes all this lovey dovey stuff disgusts you, but I know there are girls out there that feel that they need this. That they need to feel those butterflies in their stomach gain and have their heart skip a beat. To dream about the other person´s face. Anything that makes them believe they are in love and the other person is in love with them.
I felt this way once. Way in the beginning, but now I see all those actions and all those thoughts and dreams fading away. Unless someone changes, I´m not sure what´s going to happen. So many people telling me to give up but I continue to push. To dream. To yearn. Am I on my own? Am I the only one feeling this way? How will I know? There's no way I can know until it all begins to change and make sense. Only then will things be clear to me.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Blind
It takes me too long to see with blinded eyes. I know I'm not the only one either. There have been several different insidents where I refused to see what was happening. My friends have gone through the same and I'm sure everyone has.
My first boyfriend was a cheater. I never knew until every time he broke up with me. Obviously I never saw what he was doing until it was already too late. I had a friend who got with my ex boyfriend, okay, maybe she wasn't a good friend but anyway, she got with him and I warned her that he is a cheater, but she still didn't listen. Of course, he cheated on her with another friend of mine. This other friend told me she was dating him and I told my friend he was cheating on her. She didn't believe me. I asked my other friend to confront my friend and she did. She went up to my friend and told her, but my friend still didn't believe her. My other friend showed my friend texts and pictures. My friend still didn't believe her and stayed with her boyfriend.
My other friend was smart enough to break up with him and moved on. Eventually my friend broke up with my ex and went back to normal, she still hates me though. Not because he cheated on her but because I use to talk crap about her boyfriend, who was my ex, so... I guess it's my fault for being mean to my ex who cheated on me more than once then she got with him. Sorry.
This is one situation where someone is blind. Another time, for me, was when my best friend had been playing tricks behind my back with my boyfriend at the time. Granted, I didn't really like him but still, he had the title as my boyfriend. Apparently, my best friend liked him and thought she had more in common with him and started making more efforts to spend time with him. She'd get dropped of in front of his house and walk to school with him every morning. She started texting him more while I was clueless that she was even texting him.
After two weeks of us being officially together he broke up with me. In the moment it stung but I quickly got over it and continued with my life. Three months later I was cleaning out my locker when a letter fell out. It was from my ex but it had no date on it, so I had no clue when it got in my locker. He was apologizing for the way he broke up with me and said he wanted to stay friends, but by the time I read this I wasn't sure if I had already been ignoring him.
That morning my "best friend" showed up and I told her about the letter. She acted shocked. Months later my mom was talking to my ex-boyfriend's mom and she told my mom that my best friend had been spending a lot of time with him, going to the movies every Friday and things like that. When my mom mention the letter, his mom told mine that his sisters told him to write it and give it to me the next day, but he had handed it to my "best friend" to give to me. I guess she and I had gone to my locker because she somehow snuck it in my locker without my knowledge and I didn't see until 3 months later.
Of course when summer began that year I was talking to my current boyfriend and stopped talking to my "best friend." This was me being blinded by friendship. Now, its me being blinded by love. For two years I've been with my boyfriend and he no longer does anything for me. Sadly, he no longer surprises me by the things he says and does. We don't go on dates because he doesnt have any money or a car. I like going for walks but he doesn't. I like playing sports but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I like playing table games, but he find it boring. I like talking but he gets bored after 3 minutes. Anytime I ask him to stop doing something or pay attention to me, he doesn't listen.
I had hoped that by coming to Colombia he would miss me and try to talk me either by calling or by Facebook. Neither happened. He claimed that he tried calling but it didn't work and that Facebook doesn't work because he doesn't go on as much, which I knew was a lie because he was always checking Instagram so why not check Facebook to see if your girlfriend sent you anything. Only once did he send me a message telling me he missed me and loved me, and that was 3 weeks ago. Now, I see him go on Facebook, I know when he's online, but he never sent me anything. He never called either. My family noticed that he wasn't making an effort and talks a lot of crap about my boyfriend and I let them because how is it that we've been together for 2 years and he doesn't make an effort to send me anything? Every time my dad calls he tells my mom how much he misses her, he's the one to call and tell her that he loves her and that he hopes she's okay and having fun. My parents have been married 26 years and my dad still tells my mom that he loves and misses her. Why can't I have that?
My thoughts have been going crazy and so have my emotions. The only thing left to do is wait and see if this relationship is worth struggling to keep together. Do I deserve this treatment or do I deserve more?
My first boyfriend was a cheater. I never knew until every time he broke up with me. Obviously I never saw what he was doing until it was already too late. I had a friend who got with my ex boyfriend, okay, maybe she wasn't a good friend but anyway, she got with him and I warned her that he is a cheater, but she still didn't listen. Of course, he cheated on her with another friend of mine. This other friend told me she was dating him and I told my friend he was cheating on her. She didn't believe me. I asked my other friend to confront my friend and she did. She went up to my friend and told her, but my friend still didn't believe her. My other friend showed my friend texts and pictures. My friend still didn't believe her and stayed with her boyfriend.
My other friend was smart enough to break up with him and moved on. Eventually my friend broke up with my ex and went back to normal, she still hates me though. Not because he cheated on her but because I use to talk crap about her boyfriend, who was my ex, so... I guess it's my fault for being mean to my ex who cheated on me more than once then she got with him. Sorry.
This is one situation where someone is blind. Another time, for me, was when my best friend had been playing tricks behind my back with my boyfriend at the time. Granted, I didn't really like him but still, he had the title as my boyfriend. Apparently, my best friend liked him and thought she had more in common with him and started making more efforts to spend time with him. She'd get dropped of in front of his house and walk to school with him every morning. She started texting him more while I was clueless that she was even texting him.
After two weeks of us being officially together he broke up with me. In the moment it stung but I quickly got over it and continued with my life. Three months later I was cleaning out my locker when a letter fell out. It was from my ex but it had no date on it, so I had no clue when it got in my locker. He was apologizing for the way he broke up with me and said he wanted to stay friends, but by the time I read this I wasn't sure if I had already been ignoring him.
That morning my "best friend" showed up and I told her about the letter. She acted shocked. Months later my mom was talking to my ex-boyfriend's mom and she told my mom that my best friend had been spending a lot of time with him, going to the movies every Friday and things like that. When my mom mention the letter, his mom told mine that his sisters told him to write it and give it to me the next day, but he had handed it to my "best friend" to give to me. I guess she and I had gone to my locker because she somehow snuck it in my locker without my knowledge and I didn't see until 3 months later.
Of course when summer began that year I was talking to my current boyfriend and stopped talking to my "best friend." This was me being blinded by friendship. Now, its me being blinded by love. For two years I've been with my boyfriend and he no longer does anything for me. Sadly, he no longer surprises me by the things he says and does. We don't go on dates because he doesnt have any money or a car. I like going for walks but he doesn't. I like playing sports but he doesn't want me to get hurt. I like playing table games, but he find it boring. I like talking but he gets bored after 3 minutes. Anytime I ask him to stop doing something or pay attention to me, he doesn't listen.
I had hoped that by coming to Colombia he would miss me and try to talk me either by calling or by Facebook. Neither happened. He claimed that he tried calling but it didn't work and that Facebook doesn't work because he doesn't go on as much, which I knew was a lie because he was always checking Instagram so why not check Facebook to see if your girlfriend sent you anything. Only once did he send me a message telling me he missed me and loved me, and that was 3 weeks ago. Now, I see him go on Facebook, I know when he's online, but he never sent me anything. He never called either. My family noticed that he wasn't making an effort and talks a lot of crap about my boyfriend and I let them because how is it that we've been together for 2 years and he doesn't make an effort to send me anything? Every time my dad calls he tells my mom how much he misses her, he's the one to call and tell her that he loves her and that he hopes she's okay and having fun. My parents have been married 26 years and my dad still tells my mom that he loves and misses her. Why can't I have that?
My thoughts have been going crazy and so have my emotions. The only thing left to do is wait and see if this relationship is worth struggling to keep together. Do I deserve this treatment or do I deserve more?
Español
Quiero dicirle a todos los Hispanicos que estoy muy agradecida de lo que me estan enseñando. Solo en visitando a mi familia aquí en Colombia aprendí que lo más importante que uno puede obtener en la vida es el amor de la familia. Nadie le puede quitar a su familia.
El ambiente en Colombia es muy diferente de los Estados Unidos. Hayá todos están muy agotiados y siempre tienen algún delijencia que hacer que es más importante de compartir con la familia. Confeso que yo también empecé a dejar de visitar a mis abuelos, pero en venir a Colombia agradezco mucho mi familia y más que todo mis abuelos porque sin ellos mis padres nunca habían tenido los consejos para darme y a mi hermana mayor.
También entiendo que a veces no quieres compartir con la familia pero la solución tampoco es olvidarse de la familia. Estando aquí en Colombia me estoy divertiendo solo en jugando parques o haciendo viajes pequeñas a Suarez, Guiradot, Cogua o Zipaquira. La última vez que estuve en Colombia fue cuando tuve 8 años y no pude recordar mucho del viaje entonces cuando mi mamá exigió vinir a Colombia no pude resistir. Fue la mejor desición que pude hacer.
Ya sé que mi Español no es lo mejor pero voy, de ahora y adelante, a tratar de escribir más en Español para que mi familia lee y para los Latinos que quieren a conocer a una Americana. Por favor no me ignoran porque no tengo mucha experiencia en escribir. Quiero que entienden que yo quiero lo mejor para todos los Hispanohablantes.
El ambiente en Colombia es muy diferente de los Estados Unidos. Hayá todos están muy agotiados y siempre tienen algún delijencia que hacer que es más importante de compartir con la familia. Confeso que yo también empecé a dejar de visitar a mis abuelos, pero en venir a Colombia agradezco mucho mi familia y más que todo mis abuelos porque sin ellos mis padres nunca habían tenido los consejos para darme y a mi hermana mayor.
También entiendo que a veces no quieres compartir con la familia pero la solución tampoco es olvidarse de la familia. Estando aquí en Colombia me estoy divertiendo solo en jugando parques o haciendo viajes pequeñas a Suarez, Guiradot, Cogua o Zipaquira. La última vez que estuve en Colombia fue cuando tuve 8 años y no pude recordar mucho del viaje entonces cuando mi mamá exigió vinir a Colombia no pude resistir. Fue la mejor desición que pude hacer.
Ya sé que mi Español no es lo mejor pero voy, de ahora y adelante, a tratar de escribir más en Español para que mi familia lee y para los Latinos que quieren a conocer a una Americana. Por favor no me ignoran porque no tengo mucha experiencia en escribir. Quiero que entienden que yo quiero lo mejor para todos los Hispanohablantes.
Who am I?
I'm Damaris Chavez and I have no clue who I really am. I always thought I knew or at least had an idea but now I see that I don't. The things I cannot avoid knowing that is truly a part of me is that I'm Catholic and I'm Colombian and Mexican but a tad bit white washed. I'm a girl and I have a crazy, wonderful family. It took my trip to Colombia to discover who my true friends are and seeing that my boyfriend wasn't exactly who I thought he was.
Being so far from home helps me think about what I want for my future. I still want to pursue chemistry as a major, but I have yet to discover whether English Literature is my forté. I know I want to study something along the lines of English but I have no idea what. I've seen that I've been preventing myself to do what I like. I love reading and writing. I love taking walks to no place in particular. I love nature. And the most important is that I love helping people.
My high school life is almost at an end and I have not joined a club. The idea struck me that I never found a club that intrigued me, one that made me feel like "yes, I REALLY want to join." Luckily, my sister gave me the idea of starting my own club, one that appeals to me and hopefully others that are like me. A club that doesn't make you feel like a group of people but family, people you can turn to and get advice or talk to without feeling judged. A family that helps each other by raising money or just washing your car. That is my ideal club and I pray to God that I will not chicken out. I am anxious to start this club and if I succeed I will not let it die.
I'm the kind of girl that is easy to please. Easy to make happy. I don't ask for money, I don't even ask for you to be cute, but I do ask for someone that will treat me right and know what they have before I decide to walk away. Sitting around and talking for hours endlessly, going for walks, playing sports, anything really! I love sports, but I've been denied so many times to play by my boyfriend. Take me out just to sit on a bench would suffice my urge to do something, anything but stay at home and do nothing. Card games, or board games, lame made up games, or dominoes, I don't really care what just as long as I'm doing it with you.
The you I'm missing. You, whoever you are. I have yet to find you, but I am waiting. What I realized was the unhappiness I felt not doing everything I told myself I would do. Clubs, sports, strait As. My luck was stretched this year, but somehow I managed to keep up my grades, in fact in the last 2 weeks of school I raised 3 of my Bs to A-. I like to think that I'm smart but when it comes to a social life I fail. The friends I thought were my friends were simply strangers I sat with and talked to once in a while. Some of those I got close to backstabbed me or just walked away without a word as to why.
My choice in friends are that I don't actually have any except for the ones I met at church. I know I can count on them. My friends have made more of an effort to talk to me despite how far I am, my boyfriend, sadly, hasn't tried at all. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder?" More like distance makes the heart and mind have long, intimate conversations on whether this love is real or not. That is what this trip has taught me to think about.
I want to know who Damaris is, not who anyone told her to be. I'm a flirt. I like the sensation of falling for someone. The thrill of meeting new people. The laughter of stupid things that happen. Spending time with my family or talking to my friends. That's who I use to be. The weirdo who wore the oddest clothes. The freak that got a lot of attention from guys. The slut the had rumors spread of her sleeping with those guys. Does anyone really know who I am? If you do, please tell me because I have lost myself in a deep black hole that only became all about pleasing my boyfriend and focusing on keeping my grades up just to stay with him.
The times I came out to bathe in the sunlight were those nights I spent with the Confirmanti at church. The days of retreat. The meetings to plan all these crazy, educational and fun events. That was my sunlight. My beach was when I came to Colombia spending time with the family I don't get to see often. Mi familia. The ones that care about me more than anyone. The ones who tell us chismes and try to hook me up with chicos guapos. This was the side that revealed itself to me, but I must go in search of the rest of me. Who am I?
Am I really this innocent girl, or am I the devil succumbing to what everyone tells me? Who am I?
Being so far from home helps me think about what I want for my future. I still want to pursue chemistry as a major, but I have yet to discover whether English Literature is my forté. I know I want to study something along the lines of English but I have no idea what. I've seen that I've been preventing myself to do what I like. I love reading and writing. I love taking walks to no place in particular. I love nature. And the most important is that I love helping people.
My high school life is almost at an end and I have not joined a club. The idea struck me that I never found a club that intrigued me, one that made me feel like "yes, I REALLY want to join." Luckily, my sister gave me the idea of starting my own club, one that appeals to me and hopefully others that are like me. A club that doesn't make you feel like a group of people but family, people you can turn to and get advice or talk to without feeling judged. A family that helps each other by raising money or just washing your car. That is my ideal club and I pray to God that I will not chicken out. I am anxious to start this club and if I succeed I will not let it die.
I'm the kind of girl that is easy to please. Easy to make happy. I don't ask for money, I don't even ask for you to be cute, but I do ask for someone that will treat me right and know what they have before I decide to walk away. Sitting around and talking for hours endlessly, going for walks, playing sports, anything really! I love sports, but I've been denied so many times to play by my boyfriend. Take me out just to sit on a bench would suffice my urge to do something, anything but stay at home and do nothing. Card games, or board games, lame made up games, or dominoes, I don't really care what just as long as I'm doing it with you.
The you I'm missing. You, whoever you are. I have yet to find you, but I am waiting. What I realized was the unhappiness I felt not doing everything I told myself I would do. Clubs, sports, strait As. My luck was stretched this year, but somehow I managed to keep up my grades, in fact in the last 2 weeks of school I raised 3 of my Bs to A-. I like to think that I'm smart but when it comes to a social life I fail. The friends I thought were my friends were simply strangers I sat with and talked to once in a while. Some of those I got close to backstabbed me or just walked away without a word as to why.
My choice in friends are that I don't actually have any except for the ones I met at church. I know I can count on them. My friends have made more of an effort to talk to me despite how far I am, my boyfriend, sadly, hasn't tried at all. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder?" More like distance makes the heart and mind have long, intimate conversations on whether this love is real or not. That is what this trip has taught me to think about.
I want to know who Damaris is, not who anyone told her to be. I'm a flirt. I like the sensation of falling for someone. The thrill of meeting new people. The laughter of stupid things that happen. Spending time with my family or talking to my friends. That's who I use to be. The weirdo who wore the oddest clothes. The freak that got a lot of attention from guys. The slut the had rumors spread of her sleeping with those guys. Does anyone really know who I am? If you do, please tell me because I have lost myself in a deep black hole that only became all about pleasing my boyfriend and focusing on keeping my grades up just to stay with him.
The times I came out to bathe in the sunlight were those nights I spent with the Confirmanti at church. The days of retreat. The meetings to plan all these crazy, educational and fun events. That was my sunlight. My beach was when I came to Colombia spending time with the family I don't get to see often. Mi familia. The ones that care about me more than anyone. The ones who tell us chismes and try to hook me up with chicos guapos. This was the side that revealed itself to me, but I must go in search of the rest of me. Who am I?
Am I really this innocent girl, or am I the devil succumbing to what everyone tells me? Who am I?
Monday, July 15, 2013
The injustice
I realized that I've been missing a few updates in the United States, but I have seen that there is a lot of talk about the Zimmerman trial and how he was set free despite him shooting a 13 year old black kid. Some say racism and most are angry about the decision. I have my moments with the trial.
When I first heard the issue I was angry that Zimmerman was getting sympathy for shooting a boy who looked suspiciously black, I mean dangerous. Skittles, they said, was why Tyron had been shot, and because he was wearing a hoodie. I think it's time we protest clothes designers and make sure hoodies are banned or at least no longer seem suspicious. Shooting someone is a risk. Taking a life cannot be erased or undone.
However, I have been talking about how judging people is an instinct, so what Zimmerman had done was misjudge Tyron by automatically accusing him of doing something wrong. But again, shooting someone is like painting, once you make a stroke with paint, it can never be taken back. In my journalism class we tackled a few current events and what seemed to come up a lot was police shooting innocent people because they thought the person was suspicious.
I argued a lot with my teacher saying that shooting was unnecessary; if they were shooting to injure that would be fine but shooting someone dead didn't make any sense to me. My dad told me about this man who had taken his son as a hostage in his basement with a gun when police showed up. The father demanded that they bring down food. When the father went up the ladder to retrieve the food he fell off and police began to shoot him. Of course by the time the dad had reached the ground, he was dead. Keep in mind that the dad was unarmed going to retrieve the food, so the police pretty much shot an unarmed man dead.
I was furious that the police is becoming more and more ignorant. Shouldn't they be trained to make decisions under strenuous situations? Shooting a man with a cell phone because they thought it was a gun? Granted, it was dark and the man was trying to get away. Hey but maybe the man's only form of defense was his cell phone. Anyway, there have been many situations where I get suspicious as to why the police are being released with no charges for killing a man.
In my history class we did a few debates and one of them was about a black man who had killed two people and was hung. It was a tricky case because this black man had shot these people twice each then threw them in a ditch. However he was pleading not guilty because of self defense. Personally, if some one popped out and attacked me I would shoot them as many times as I can because the shock will be too much and I would want to make sure the bastards are dead. I wouldn't excessively shoot them because I felt like it. Now throwing the bodies in a ditch I cannot defend because that does seem a bit suspicious, but I would have given the man a chance to explain.
The class agreed with the state while I agreed with the man. It all seemed too odd for me, maybe even a little racist because there have been plenty of other men who murdered people just to murder and they were kept alive living in jail or prison, but this man was hung for shooting two people and throwing them in a ditch. It reminded me of the book To Kill a Mockingbird. (if you have not read the book I apologize for the spoiler alert) In the book there was a disabled black man being accused of raping and abusing this white girl. The man pleaded not guilty because the girl had wanted to have sex with him since he was nice to her but he denied her. As for the abuse, he said he could not hurt her, not with one arm, the right one. When the doctor went up to the stand he described the girl's injuries as a mark of a left handed man choking her. The lawyer of the black man proved that her father had been the one to hurt her and rape her because he was an alcoholic, left-handed man.
The all white jury, however, found the black man guilty. While in jail the black man tried to escape. The guards allowed him to try and climb the fence with one arm; when he was almost to the top, they shot him 17 times. Justice? Not to me.
Although this was just a book, it seems more accurate than most would think. The racism still exists, despite what people say, and justice has been tampered with for a while, but no matter how hard we fight and protest and try to uncover all the lies and deception, we will never win. As far as the Zimmerman trial is concerned, I belive the verdict was unjust, but what can I do about? Exactly. Justice will never change, try to understand that.
When I first heard the issue I was angry that Zimmerman was getting sympathy for shooting a boy who looked suspiciously black, I mean dangerous. Skittles, they said, was why Tyron had been shot, and because he was wearing a hoodie. I think it's time we protest clothes designers and make sure hoodies are banned or at least no longer seem suspicious. Shooting someone is a risk. Taking a life cannot be erased or undone.
However, I have been talking about how judging people is an instinct, so what Zimmerman had done was misjudge Tyron by automatically accusing him of doing something wrong. But again, shooting someone is like painting, once you make a stroke with paint, it can never be taken back. In my journalism class we tackled a few current events and what seemed to come up a lot was police shooting innocent people because they thought the person was suspicious.
I argued a lot with my teacher saying that shooting was unnecessary; if they were shooting to injure that would be fine but shooting someone dead didn't make any sense to me. My dad told me about this man who had taken his son as a hostage in his basement with a gun when police showed up. The father demanded that they bring down food. When the father went up the ladder to retrieve the food he fell off and police began to shoot him. Of course by the time the dad had reached the ground, he was dead. Keep in mind that the dad was unarmed going to retrieve the food, so the police pretty much shot an unarmed man dead.
I was furious that the police is becoming more and more ignorant. Shouldn't they be trained to make decisions under strenuous situations? Shooting a man with a cell phone because they thought it was a gun? Granted, it was dark and the man was trying to get away. Hey but maybe the man's only form of defense was his cell phone. Anyway, there have been many situations where I get suspicious as to why the police are being released with no charges for killing a man.
In my history class we did a few debates and one of them was about a black man who had killed two people and was hung. It was a tricky case because this black man had shot these people twice each then threw them in a ditch. However he was pleading not guilty because of self defense. Personally, if some one popped out and attacked me I would shoot them as many times as I can because the shock will be too much and I would want to make sure the bastards are dead. I wouldn't excessively shoot them because I felt like it. Now throwing the bodies in a ditch I cannot defend because that does seem a bit suspicious, but I would have given the man a chance to explain.
The class agreed with the state while I agreed with the man. It all seemed too odd for me, maybe even a little racist because there have been plenty of other men who murdered people just to murder and they were kept alive living in jail or prison, but this man was hung for shooting two people and throwing them in a ditch. It reminded me of the book To Kill a Mockingbird. (if you have not read the book I apologize for the spoiler alert) In the book there was a disabled black man being accused of raping and abusing this white girl. The man pleaded not guilty because the girl had wanted to have sex with him since he was nice to her but he denied her. As for the abuse, he said he could not hurt her, not with one arm, the right one. When the doctor went up to the stand he described the girl's injuries as a mark of a left handed man choking her. The lawyer of the black man proved that her father had been the one to hurt her and rape her because he was an alcoholic, left-handed man.
The all white jury, however, found the black man guilty. While in jail the black man tried to escape. The guards allowed him to try and climb the fence with one arm; when he was almost to the top, they shot him 17 times. Justice? Not to me.
Although this was just a book, it seems more accurate than most would think. The racism still exists, despite what people say, and justice has been tampered with for a while, but no matter how hard we fight and protest and try to uncover all the lies and deception, we will never win. As far as the Zimmerman trial is concerned, I belive the verdict was unjust, but what can I do about? Exactly. Justice will never change, try to understand that.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Advice
It's been two weeks since I came to Colombia and it's been an experience I hope to never forget. Missing my friends, boyfriend, and family has been difficult, but I've been getting by thanks to Facebook. My friend, let's say Cory, has been helping me pass the time. He does work so we don't get to talk all the time but when we can message each other then we will and we talk of nothing in particular.
Recently he was telling me that he wanted to admit to his crush that he liked her but wasn't sure how to do it. I did my best to help him, but he still got rejected. Honestly, I felt like it was my fault, but I knew my job was to cheer him up and say stupid things to get him to forget. I've spent more time talking to Cory than with my boyfriend. My boyfriend almost got mad at me, but I told him that at least Cory answers. That's when my boyfriend backed off. My boyfriend has been more worried about football and usually forgets to even check whether I sent him anything so I stopped sending him messages.
Luckily, my boyfriend's lack of responding allowed me to talk to Cory. I realized that I've known Cory longer than I've been with my boyfriend, which is why I feel comfortable telling him anything and everything; he feels the same towards me, so I guess you can say that he's one of my best friends. Cory isn't that good and choosing the right girlfriends so he's been hurt a lot. It makes me wish I could help him in some way but what can I do? I am truly lost in that sense because I make my own mistakes and highly doubt I'd be the best person for advice.
I'm not sure if I've written it before, but I use to want to be the girl that had been with a lot of guys or kissed/made out with a lot of guys, which wasn't a very smart idea. Luckily, it stopped early on before it got out of hand. Now, I am unsure of myself in the giving advice about relationships. I have another best friend, her name shall be Betty, and she has been in a relationship with a guy for around five months now. She likes to come to me for advice since I've been with my boyfriend for two years, but I really don't understand how it was that we lasted so long so I don't know what to tell Betty. "Be happy. And spend time with your boyfriend." That's all I can really say.
Relationships are a tricky thing because it differs depending on the couple. Couples that I use to think wouldn't last, lasted much longer than I expected, and relationships that I thought would last never really did. I'm a bad judge in relationships, and people. I use to hang out with the wrong crowd before I found the friends I have now. My cousin here in Colombia has friends that scare most people at first sight. Gothic friends I guess you could say, and everyone at our welcoming party felt uncomfortable seeing them, but once the music began to play and everyone, including my cousin's friends, got up to dance. In the end, they were very nice people.
I continue to learn my lesson when it comes tonrelationships and judging people. As far as giving advice, let's just say, don't come to me.
Recently he was telling me that he wanted to admit to his crush that he liked her but wasn't sure how to do it. I did my best to help him, but he still got rejected. Honestly, I felt like it was my fault, but I knew my job was to cheer him up and say stupid things to get him to forget. I've spent more time talking to Cory than with my boyfriend. My boyfriend almost got mad at me, but I told him that at least Cory answers. That's when my boyfriend backed off. My boyfriend has been more worried about football and usually forgets to even check whether I sent him anything so I stopped sending him messages.
Luckily, my boyfriend's lack of responding allowed me to talk to Cory. I realized that I've known Cory longer than I've been with my boyfriend, which is why I feel comfortable telling him anything and everything; he feels the same towards me, so I guess you can say that he's one of my best friends. Cory isn't that good and choosing the right girlfriends so he's been hurt a lot. It makes me wish I could help him in some way but what can I do? I am truly lost in that sense because I make my own mistakes and highly doubt I'd be the best person for advice.
I'm not sure if I've written it before, but I use to want to be the girl that had been with a lot of guys or kissed/made out with a lot of guys, which wasn't a very smart idea. Luckily, it stopped early on before it got out of hand. Now, I am unsure of myself in the giving advice about relationships. I have another best friend, her name shall be Betty, and she has been in a relationship with a guy for around five months now. She likes to come to me for advice since I've been with my boyfriend for two years, but I really don't understand how it was that we lasted so long so I don't know what to tell Betty. "Be happy. And spend time with your boyfriend." That's all I can really say.
Relationships are a tricky thing because it differs depending on the couple. Couples that I use to think wouldn't last, lasted much longer than I expected, and relationships that I thought would last never really did. I'm a bad judge in relationships, and people. I use to hang out with the wrong crowd before I found the friends I have now. My cousin here in Colombia has friends that scare most people at first sight. Gothic friends I guess you could say, and everyone at our welcoming party felt uncomfortable seeing them, but once the music began to play and everyone, including my cousin's friends, got up to dance. In the end, they were very nice people.
I continue to learn my lesson when it comes tonrelationships and judging people. As far as giving advice, let's just say, don't come to me.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Apologies
When I'm wrong I try to make sure I apologize for it. It's hard to come by people who apologize or is the first to apologize. Previously I had written poorly about Sam and his family, I was wrong and it took me a few more days to realize my mistake. This is my apology.
Sam is a spoiled child but the way he is is because of a factor of things. Because he is an only child he's never really had someone to look up to for an example like most of his cousins. Another issue with being an only child is that his parents are still learning how to raise a child. So there are times when he gets reprimanded for something not that isn't a big issue.
I only wish I knew more of Sam's story but anytime anyone gets serious and tries to ask him he either ignores them or avoids the question. It makes me think there is so much more than I'm seeing, but it's gotten too complicated for me to find out. Hopefully by the end of my trip I would have pieced the entire picture together.
Nowadays people, like me, tend to jump to conclusions about each other. There's been several stories on Facebook that promote the idea of not being quick to judge. "See that pregnant girl? She was raped. See that boy with the red eyes? He spent the night crying for his mom who has cancer. See that girl with the cuts on her wrist? She's being abused by her father." And these stories tend to change but the message is the same: everyone has a story and reason for being the way they are.
When I started high school rumors had followed me from middle school that I despised. Rumors that called me a slut and whore. It hurt me for years. It hurt me to the point where I would hurt myself. It was all because girls would see me hanging out with a group of guys and automatically say I slept with them all. Girls are usually quick to judge but it's a bad habit thats hard to get rid of.
Here's my challenge to you: if you know you've done something wrong or have said something bad, try to apologize for it. It's better to be the bigger man and apologize than holding a grudge.
Sam is a spoiled child but the way he is is because of a factor of things. Because he is an only child he's never really had someone to look up to for an example like most of his cousins. Another issue with being an only child is that his parents are still learning how to raise a child. So there are times when he gets reprimanded for something not that isn't a big issue.
I only wish I knew more of Sam's story but anytime anyone gets serious and tries to ask him he either ignores them or avoids the question. It makes me think there is so much more than I'm seeing, but it's gotten too complicated for me to find out. Hopefully by the end of my trip I would have pieced the entire picture together.
Nowadays people, like me, tend to jump to conclusions about each other. There's been several stories on Facebook that promote the idea of not being quick to judge. "See that pregnant girl? She was raped. See that boy with the red eyes? He spent the night crying for his mom who has cancer. See that girl with the cuts on her wrist? She's being abused by her father." And these stories tend to change but the message is the same: everyone has a story and reason for being the way they are.
When I started high school rumors had followed me from middle school that I despised. Rumors that called me a slut and whore. It hurt me for years. It hurt me to the point where I would hurt myself. It was all because girls would see me hanging out with a group of guys and automatically say I slept with them all. Girls are usually quick to judge but it's a bad habit thats hard to get rid of.
Here's my challenge to you: if you know you've done something wrong or have said something bad, try to apologize for it. It's better to be the bigger man and apologize than holding a grudge.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Missing a part of me
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder." I sure hope so. It's been almost two weeks since my mom and I arrived in Colombia and I've been missing a lot of people. I hadn't realized how much my friends had an impact on me until I was already gone.
Before I left we had been hanging out repeatedly and now that I'm, I don't even know how many miles, away I really miss meeting up with them and talking. My group of friends are very different from most group of friends. I met them at church but somehow we're not very "churchy." We're not afraid to talk about sex, politics, and even our own personal interpretations of our Catholic faith, which most people would consider sinful, but we're pretty open minded about everything.
Almost every time I had met up with my friends it was at a park later in the evening since we were broke. It sounds odd but it was really the best experiences because we just sat around and talked and it was nice. We've grown a strong bond that I haven't had with a group of people in the longest time, if ever. I really appreciate these people and although some like to drink and smoke and others prefer to be more conservative, we know each other better than any one. Not in an intimate way but I love my friends like I love my family. I don't know what I'd do without them, and now that I'm so far from them I miss them.
Another group of people is my family that I had at church, the Youth Ministry I volunteer with. They've been getting ready for all the summer events we usually put on in the summer and I'm missing out on them. I wish I could help and enjoy myself being with them but what can I do? All I really can do is pray for them and hope everything is a success.
I'm sure you're wondering why my family wasn't the first thing I'd say, it's because the only family I left behind was my older sister who is 24 and my dad. I know my sister is doing good and working and my dad communicates with my mom so I get to hear from him a lot. Yes, I miss them, but I know that they're okay and usually busy.
Lastly, the one person I miss the most is my boyfriend. It was heart wrenching celebrating two years with him then leaving two days later. The worst part is being in Colombia and seeing nothing but couples walking around hugging, kissing, and holding hands; it makes me want to cry because I can't feel that for another 4 weeks or so. In the beginning of my trip I had tried to call him everyday but it started to get complicated since a lot of my family members don't own a landline and don't have a lot of minutes on their phone. I know how hard they have to work to be able to afford all that so I'd rather not abuse what little they have, which means that I don't get the privilege of speaking to my boyfriend for days.
With new technology I've been trying to communicate through Facebook but the issue I've been facing is that my boyfriend doesn't check his Facebook as often as I had originally hoped. That bothers me since before I left he had gone on his phone so much to check instagram I thought he'd at least make an effort to check Facebook. Also, I'm not sure he misses me as much as I miss him or else he would be making an even bigger effort to communicate with me. It makes me very sad, but that's how I feel.
Today I decided to do an experiment: every time I thought of my boyfriend I would keep track with tallys. When I got back and had time to sit down and think I counted 20 times if not more. I miss my boyfriend more than anything else. I love him despite what people say or think and it's hard being so far. If only he read my blog then he'd know, but I know that somehow he knows.
Here is my challenge to you: Try and keep track of how much you miss someone. It'll help make you appreciate them even more.
Before I left we had been hanging out repeatedly and now that I'm, I don't even know how many miles, away I really miss meeting up with them and talking. My group of friends are very different from most group of friends. I met them at church but somehow we're not very "churchy." We're not afraid to talk about sex, politics, and even our own personal interpretations of our Catholic faith, which most people would consider sinful, but we're pretty open minded about everything.
Almost every time I had met up with my friends it was at a park later in the evening since we were broke. It sounds odd but it was really the best experiences because we just sat around and talked and it was nice. We've grown a strong bond that I haven't had with a group of people in the longest time, if ever. I really appreciate these people and although some like to drink and smoke and others prefer to be more conservative, we know each other better than any one. Not in an intimate way but I love my friends like I love my family. I don't know what I'd do without them, and now that I'm so far from them I miss them.
Another group of people is my family that I had at church, the Youth Ministry I volunteer with. They've been getting ready for all the summer events we usually put on in the summer and I'm missing out on them. I wish I could help and enjoy myself being with them but what can I do? All I really can do is pray for them and hope everything is a success.
I'm sure you're wondering why my family wasn't the first thing I'd say, it's because the only family I left behind was my older sister who is 24 and my dad. I know my sister is doing good and working and my dad communicates with my mom so I get to hear from him a lot. Yes, I miss them, but I know that they're okay and usually busy.
Lastly, the one person I miss the most is my boyfriend. It was heart wrenching celebrating two years with him then leaving two days later. The worst part is being in Colombia and seeing nothing but couples walking around hugging, kissing, and holding hands; it makes me want to cry because I can't feel that for another 4 weeks or so. In the beginning of my trip I had tried to call him everyday but it started to get complicated since a lot of my family members don't own a landline and don't have a lot of minutes on their phone. I know how hard they have to work to be able to afford all that so I'd rather not abuse what little they have, which means that I don't get the privilege of speaking to my boyfriend for days.
With new technology I've been trying to communicate through Facebook but the issue I've been facing is that my boyfriend doesn't check his Facebook as often as I had originally hoped. That bothers me since before I left he had gone on his phone so much to check instagram I thought he'd at least make an effort to check Facebook. Also, I'm not sure he misses me as much as I miss him or else he would be making an even bigger effort to communicate with me. It makes me very sad, but that's how I feel.
Today I decided to do an experiment: every time I thought of my boyfriend I would keep track with tallys. When I got back and had time to sit down and think I counted 20 times if not more. I miss my boyfriend more than anything else. I love him despite what people say or think and it's hard being so far. If only he read my blog then he'd know, but I know that somehow he knows.
Here is my challenge to you: Try and keep track of how much you miss someone. It'll help make you appreciate them even more.
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