You're just a memory

I find it hard to let someone go all at once. A broken heart of any kind is a disturbing and emotional process that could last a short period of time, or even a lifetime to recover from. My friend past away recently. I broke up with my boyfriend. And I met a guy who's taught me new things about myself.
This friend that past away, we weren't really close, but I knew him all through middle school and I'm really appreciative of having met and gotten to know him as much as I got to. In high school he got cancer, recently he past away. It was heartbreaking, but I told myself that I was not worthy of crying over him. I had no right to cry for someone I knew but wasn't close to. He was an amazing person and I took his presence for granted, therefore, I had no right. Yet, his death brought me a new reason to live, to explore and live my life for as long as I have because it can be taken from me at any moment.
My break up hasn't been hard on me as much as I thought it would. I always thought that breaking up with him would bring me great misery since we spent two and a half years together. Lately, I haven't given it much thought. Only this past week has it settled on me that he was no longer around. I still feel as though he'll call me any second or show up knocking on my door. His presence still lingers everywhere I go and with everything I do. How this break up has affected him, I have no way of knowing, but by the way he's been acting, it doesn't seem to bother him at all, which makes me more closed off even to myself. I try not to show these emotions because I don't want anyone to worry about me. "I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm over it." Is it true? There's no way to tell for sure, but there's something there, inside, that I just can't seem to explain, even to myself.
Almost instantly, I'm reunited with a friend from the past (the past being a year ago) who has taught me so much. Let's give him the name of Jacob. Jacob is a beautiful person, quiet and unsure of himself. He's very strong and kind and inspires me every time we talk. I am myself around him and feel comfortable to open myself up, but he is the opposite. He chooses to shut me out, to only give me a glimmer of what has made him who he is. He's extremely talented and makes me jealous with his various skills. He has been the one to make me feel. To almost give me the answer to what is accumulating inside of me, inside my body and soul.
I'm sure he doesn't know it, but he has helped me in so many ways. Finally, he gave me a piece of himself. A song he wrote, and performed in secret. It made me cry, something I hadn't done in a while. It was over powering, but I had no way to describe it but amazing. It made me feel meaningless for not being worth as much as this thing that has been inside of him. This memory. The memory of the past, of one's own projection as well as the projection of someone else. That one that has brought you joy and misery all at once. The one that is no longer there. It's hard to understand and admit to oneself that that memory is what lingers. That memory that will stay with you forever. The presence that either guides or destroys you from the inside out.
That's what this memory has done to me. It has started to eat me from the inside, leaving me next to nothing. But it's time to rebuild my insides, my soul, heart. I need to rediscover my life and feeling. What I want and who I want to be. What is to become of me, there's no way to tell, but it's time to accept that everything I've lost is kept with me and follows me; a memory.

Life is what you make it

I sat down wondering what I was going to type today... something angry? depressing? complicated? But then I realized I write too much about issues, why not focus on something fluffy? So to speak. There are a lot of issues in the world and I'm not denying that or else I'm making myself blind to reality but sometimes we need to consider that there could be a few good things.
As everyone knows, yesterday was Valentine's Day and there were so many mixed emotions in the air and it was all completely obvious. Being recently single I was dreading the day and scared that I would break down, feel lonely, and not want to get out of bed for a while, but, to my surprise, everything went extremely well. I got to school early so there were hardly any people around. As the day progressed I was surrounded by girls with flowers and balloons and cakes and presents, but it didn't make me sad or lonely, instead it made me want candy and lots of it! Eventually I got candy and chocolates, but I also got an ear full of people who "despise" the day.
When I say people, I mean those single girls that wish they had someone to make the day special, but you don't necessarily need a boy to make the day special. Like any other day, you are the one responsible for what happens and if you want the day to be special then make it special yourself. For instance, instead of moping around and crying over how I was now single, I made plans with my friends to hang out and watch movies. The three of us had a blast and none of us were crying or complaining about what a terrible day Valentine's Day is.
Not to say I didn't miss the feeling of being in love or given gifts, but, to be honest, even in a relationship, Valentine's Day wasn't really special because my ex didn't really do anything that special for me, actually, we did nothing on Valentine's Day, just sat around. Turns out, I had a better day without him. I have family and friends that care about me and that's on a day to day basis, so I am extremely grateful for the good things I'm given in life! My challenge this time: Make your day special on your own terms. Don't depend on someone else, the day is yours to create!