I find it hard to let someone go all at once. A broken heart of any kind is a disturbing and emotional process that could last a short period of time, or even a lifetime to recover from. My friend past away recently. I broke up with my boyfriend. And I met a guy who's taught me new things about myself.
This friend that past away, we weren't really close, but I knew him all through middle school and I'm really appreciative of having met and gotten to know him as much as I got to. In high school he got cancer, recently he past away. It was heartbreaking, but I told myself that I was not worthy of crying over him. I had no right to cry for someone I knew but wasn't close to. He was an amazing person and I took his presence for granted, therefore, I had no right. Yet, his death brought me a new reason to live, to explore and live my life for as long as I have because it can be taken from me at any moment.
My break up hasn't been hard on me as much as I thought it would. I always thought that breaking up with him would bring me great misery since we spent two and a half years together. Lately, I haven't given it much thought. Only this past week has it settled on me that he was no longer around. I still feel as though he'll call me any second or show up knocking on my door. His presence still lingers everywhere I go and with everything I do. How this break up has affected him, I have no way of knowing, but by the way he's been acting, it doesn't seem to bother him at all, which makes me more closed off even to myself. I try not to show these emotions because I don't want anyone to worry about me. "I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm over it." Is it true? There's no way to tell for sure, but there's something there, inside, that I just can't seem to explain, even to myself.
Almost instantly, I'm reunited with a friend from the past (the past being a year ago) who has taught me so much. Let's give him the name of Jacob. Jacob is a beautiful person, quiet and unsure of himself. He's very strong and kind and inspires me every time we talk. I am myself around him and feel comfortable to open myself up, but he is the opposite. He chooses to shut me out, to only give me a glimmer of what has made him who he is. He's extremely talented and makes me jealous with his various skills. He has been the one to make me feel. To almost give me the answer to what is accumulating inside of me, inside my body and soul.
I'm sure he doesn't know it, but he has helped me in so many ways. Finally, he gave me a piece of himself. A song he wrote, and performed in secret. It made me cry, something I hadn't done in a while. It was over powering, but I had no way to describe it but amazing. It made me feel meaningless for not being worth as much as this thing that has been inside of him. This memory. The memory of the past, of one's own projection as well as the projection of someone else. That one that has brought you joy and misery all at once. The one that is no longer there. It's hard to understand and admit to oneself that that memory is what lingers. That memory that will stay with you forever. The presence that either guides or destroys you from the inside out.
That's what this memory has done to me. It has started to eat me from the inside, leaving me next to nothing. But it's time to rebuild my insides, my soul, heart. I need to rediscover my life and feeling. What I want and who I want to be. What is to become of me, there's no way to tell, but it's time to accept that everything I've lost is kept with me and follows me; a memory.
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