College Life

I am currently going through a transition in life where things feel like they're beginning but other things are ending. Going into my first year of college I wasn't sure what to expect; honestly, I was extremely insecure and nervous. However, after my first two days I realized that it's not the idea of college than worried me, it was the idea of all the hours I was going to end up spending studying.
At this moment, I aim to Major in Chemistry, and, God willing, I will be successful. Of course, for such a challenging Major I will need to sit down and focus or else things will not come as easy or beneficial. This fact sent me tumbling into a hypnotic trance of endless occurring questions. What about my volunteer work at church? Will I be able to juggle both school and church? Should I get a job? Can I get a job? So far I have managed to get an idea of the answers to most of these questions.
During the summer I had an interview and received a job working in a library, which I was extremely stoked for, however, before I could start or receive training I had to go through a long process that took most of my summer to wait for and finally get done. Unfortunately, they were unable to hire me after they were informed of my class schedule. Therefore, I was left destroyed and jobless. It took me a week or so to regain my confidence and move on.
Meanwhile, I was not doing any volunteer work at the church because I received no updates or phone calls on whether they needed my assistance or not. Yet, when I attended a meeting to be informed of the upcoming year I was highly discouraged and disappointed. It did not appear promising and illogical, which added to my concern. As much as I would like to return and make a difference to these students' lives I also had to consider my own life.
At the same time, I had been hoping that the church would consider me for a position since I had been there for about 4 years now. Today, I saw a glimpse of hope, receiving a phone call about training. Very ambiguous since I am uncertain if the training will show my potential, almost like a test, or if it means I got the job. Now it is starting to look like I will only be able to attend school and work, which still leaves me wondering what I will end up doing. Will I be teaching this year? On the bright side, college life has been kind on me, I've gotten a glimpse of most aspects and am excited to experience more throughout my years.

Something new

Freedom is a strange idea. The liberty to do as one pleases. Sounds pretty good. But sometimes freedom can be used in a different context. Freedom, the moment where nothing else matters, the past is forgotten and the future doesn't exist, only the now is worth anything.
Jacob and I have gotten closer since my last post. I've gotten him to open up and not shut me out. We'll act like those "weirdos" in public and without a care in the world. He makes me happy and I haven't been happy in the longest time. Sad to say, but my last relationship, the one I was so scared to end, had been miserable after the first year. The first year was all fun and games, but after that, there was nothing, no dates, no affection, nothing that showed me he cared. Now, I feel happy and, almost all at once, I'm trying to make up for that loss.
Constantly going out and doing things with my friends, I forgot to prioritize myself. My grades had already been slipping, but it got worse. I've done all I can to bring them up and focus, yet, it's not as easy as it appears to be. Jacob has been there for me. Regardless of what I tell him, he gives me space and time. He only wants the best for me and I've never experienced someone caring that much for me. That's when I saw that I wanted the best for him and I knew that I needed to return the favor because he had done so much for me.
As I've mentioned before, Jacob is very talented and seems to only "perform" for me, in private. He lacks confidence in his singing and it frustrates me. That's beside the point I'm trying to make. What I wanted to aim towards is the fact that he doesn't possess a confidence in anything that he does despite how good he is. The modesty is what bothers me because he could go so far. On the other hand, he tells me I'm talented in a few things as well and I deny it all. It appears that we will never find a "happy medium" but we do try hard to get the other to admit to at least one talent.
Anyway, recently we were both bored, texting because we could not be together, and Jacob realized he didn't know what to do. Knowing that he would not be comfortable with the idea, I told him to write me a story. Yes, a story. He writes poetry, lyrics, songs, but he didn't ever feel comfortable with actually writing a story. I was right, he wasn't comfortable with the idea, but he told me he would only do it if I wrote and sang a song to him. Now I wasn't comfortable, but in order to get him to do it, I agreed. Bad idea, if I may add. I've never been good at writing songs, I can't even make a catchy tune or jingle. Personally, I don't even think I can sing, but he wants me to so I am, just to be fair.
Comfort. A safe place. A bubble. Cocoon. Whatever you want to call it, it's that place you retreat to and refuse to leave. "There's no way in Hell I'm leaving this amazing place." Yeah, I don't want to either, but you know what? Sometimes you need to step out of that comfort zone. Spread your wings and fly. Try something new even though you really don't want to. Jacob and I are in that position where it's all so foreign and we don't really know what to do and how to do it.
Life shouldn't be a constant routine. Living in your comfort zone and not wanting to try something new. What do you get out of life by doing that? Nothing. You need to go out and try things to find what you like and don't like. Taste that steak before you add salt. Travel somewhere you've never been to, in fact, just go out and get lost! Do something to spice up your life! Explore! Learn something new about yourself. Now go! Make me proud! While I sit here staring at walls contemplating how to write a song...

You're just a memory

I find it hard to let someone go all at once. A broken heart of any kind is a disturbing and emotional process that could last a short period of time, or even a lifetime to recover from. My friend past away recently. I broke up with my boyfriend. And I met a guy who's taught me new things about myself.
This friend that past away, we weren't really close, but I knew him all through middle school and I'm really appreciative of having met and gotten to know him as much as I got to. In high school he got cancer, recently he past away. It was heartbreaking, but I told myself that I was not worthy of crying over him. I had no right to cry for someone I knew but wasn't close to. He was an amazing person and I took his presence for granted, therefore, I had no right. Yet, his death brought me a new reason to live, to explore and live my life for as long as I have because it can be taken from me at any moment.
My break up hasn't been hard on me as much as I thought it would. I always thought that breaking up with him would bring me great misery since we spent two and a half years together. Lately, I haven't given it much thought. Only this past week has it settled on me that he was no longer around. I still feel as though he'll call me any second or show up knocking on my door. His presence still lingers everywhere I go and with everything I do. How this break up has affected him, I have no way of knowing, but by the way he's been acting, it doesn't seem to bother him at all, which makes me more closed off even to myself. I try not to show these emotions because I don't want anyone to worry about me. "I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm over it." Is it true? There's no way to tell for sure, but there's something there, inside, that I just can't seem to explain, even to myself.
Almost instantly, I'm reunited with a friend from the past (the past being a year ago) who has taught me so much. Let's give him the name of Jacob. Jacob is a beautiful person, quiet and unsure of himself. He's very strong and kind and inspires me every time we talk. I am myself around him and feel comfortable to open myself up, but he is the opposite. He chooses to shut me out, to only give me a glimmer of what has made him who he is. He's extremely talented and makes me jealous with his various skills. He has been the one to make me feel. To almost give me the answer to what is accumulating inside of me, inside my body and soul.
I'm sure he doesn't know it, but he has helped me in so many ways. Finally, he gave me a piece of himself. A song he wrote, and performed in secret. It made me cry, something I hadn't done in a while. It was over powering, but I had no way to describe it but amazing. It made me feel meaningless for not being worth as much as this thing that has been inside of him. This memory. The memory of the past, of one's own projection as well as the projection of someone else. That one that has brought you joy and misery all at once. The one that is no longer there. It's hard to understand and admit to oneself that that memory is what lingers. That memory that will stay with you forever. The presence that either guides or destroys you from the inside out.
That's what this memory has done to me. It has started to eat me from the inside, leaving me next to nothing. But it's time to rebuild my insides, my soul, heart. I need to rediscover my life and feeling. What I want and who I want to be. What is to become of me, there's no way to tell, but it's time to accept that everything I've lost is kept with me and follows me; a memory.

Life is what you make it

I sat down wondering what I was going to type today... something angry? depressing? complicated? But then I realized I write too much about issues, why not focus on something fluffy? So to speak. There are a lot of issues in the world and I'm not denying that or else I'm making myself blind to reality but sometimes we need to consider that there could be a few good things.
As everyone knows, yesterday was Valentine's Day and there were so many mixed emotions in the air and it was all completely obvious. Being recently single I was dreading the day and scared that I would break down, feel lonely, and not want to get out of bed for a while, but, to my surprise, everything went extremely well. I got to school early so there were hardly any people around. As the day progressed I was surrounded by girls with flowers and balloons and cakes and presents, but it didn't make me sad or lonely, instead it made me want candy and lots of it! Eventually I got candy and chocolates, but I also got an ear full of people who "despise" the day.
When I say people, I mean those single girls that wish they had someone to make the day special, but you don't necessarily need a boy to make the day special. Like any other day, you are the one responsible for what happens and if you want the day to be special then make it special yourself. For instance, instead of moping around and crying over how I was now single, I made plans with my friends to hang out and watch movies. The three of us had a blast and none of us were crying or complaining about what a terrible day Valentine's Day is.
Not to say I didn't miss the feeling of being in love or given gifts, but, to be honest, even in a relationship, Valentine's Day wasn't really special because my ex didn't really do anything that special for me, actually, we did nothing on Valentine's Day, just sat around. Turns out, I had a better day without him. I have family and friends that care about me and that's on a day to day basis, so I am extremely grateful for the good things I'm given in life! My challenge this time: Make your day special on your own terms. Don't depend on someone else, the day is yours to create!

Future

The world is intimidating. There is so much violence, natural disasters, and people treating each other poorly. Everyone is expected to know what they want by the time they reach their senior year of high school. Life after high school is so difficult. There is a scarcity for jobs and employers are looking for that perfect fit, the one who has a college degree and meets their check list.
Yet, everyone searching for a job right out of college don't seem to find the job in that career they majored in. A lot of these graduates end up with a minimum wage job along with those who didn't go to college. These graduates from Berkley and Irvine and all these high class places working with those from community college if they went to college at all. So many high school students have set the bar low and aim to at least graduate high school and maybe community college because they can't afford any universities. I've heard so many times from my peers, "What's the point of going to a university if I'm gonna end up with a minimum wage job? There's no point in spending so much money."
Honestly, being in the same shoes as most of them, I completely understand, but it's so hard to decide since half of it is true and half of it isn't. What if I do get the chance at finding a job for that career I want so badly but I can't get it because of the school I went to? Then again if I don't find a job with that major I won't be disappointed because I didn't take the risk. There's a good and bad side to things.
Personally, I wish I could take a year off and live life to the fullest but there's something inside me that tells me to push through and continue studying, eventually I will have the money to do what I want, but it's not now. There's a constant debate, but no answers or solutions. Which will I end up choosing? There's no way to tell, but my hopes are that it turns out to be the best decision.
As far as the future goes, I'm still young and hope I don't regret not going out and trying things. I wish I was spontaneous but that's far too risky. What will the future hold? There's no way to know for sure.