You're just a memory

I find it hard to let someone go all at once. A broken heart of any kind is a disturbing and emotional process that could last a short period of time, or even a lifetime to recover from. My friend past away recently. I broke up with my boyfriend. And I met a guy who's taught me new things about myself.
This friend that past away, we weren't really close, but I knew him all through middle school and I'm really appreciative of having met and gotten to know him as much as I got to. In high school he got cancer, recently he past away. It was heartbreaking, but I told myself that I was not worthy of crying over him. I had no right to cry for someone I knew but wasn't close to. He was an amazing person and I took his presence for granted, therefore, I had no right. Yet, his death brought me a new reason to live, to explore and live my life for as long as I have because it can be taken from me at any moment.
My break up hasn't been hard on me as much as I thought it would. I always thought that breaking up with him would bring me great misery since we spent two and a half years together. Lately, I haven't given it much thought. Only this past week has it settled on me that he was no longer around. I still feel as though he'll call me any second or show up knocking on my door. His presence still lingers everywhere I go and with everything I do. How this break up has affected him, I have no way of knowing, but by the way he's been acting, it doesn't seem to bother him at all, which makes me more closed off even to myself. I try not to show these emotions because I don't want anyone to worry about me. "I'm fine. Don't worry. I'm over it." Is it true? There's no way to tell for sure, but there's something there, inside, that I just can't seem to explain, even to myself.
Almost instantly, I'm reunited with a friend from the past (the past being a year ago) who has taught me so much. Let's give him the name of Jacob. Jacob is a beautiful person, quiet and unsure of himself. He's very strong and kind and inspires me every time we talk. I am myself around him and feel comfortable to open myself up, but he is the opposite. He chooses to shut me out, to only give me a glimmer of what has made him who he is. He's extremely talented and makes me jealous with his various skills. He has been the one to make me feel. To almost give me the answer to what is accumulating inside of me, inside my body and soul.
I'm sure he doesn't know it, but he has helped me in so many ways. Finally, he gave me a piece of himself. A song he wrote, and performed in secret. It made me cry, something I hadn't done in a while. It was over powering, but I had no way to describe it but amazing. It made me feel meaningless for not being worth as much as this thing that has been inside of him. This memory. The memory of the past, of one's own projection as well as the projection of someone else. That one that has brought you joy and misery all at once. The one that is no longer there. It's hard to understand and admit to oneself that that memory is what lingers. That memory that will stay with you forever. The presence that either guides or destroys you from the inside out.
That's what this memory has done to me. It has started to eat me from the inside, leaving me next to nothing. But it's time to rebuild my insides, my soul, heart. I need to rediscover my life and feeling. What I want and who I want to be. What is to become of me, there's no way to tell, but it's time to accept that everything I've lost is kept with me and follows me; a memory.

Life is what you make it

I sat down wondering what I was going to type today... something angry? depressing? complicated? But then I realized I write too much about issues, why not focus on something fluffy? So to speak. There are a lot of issues in the world and I'm not denying that or else I'm making myself blind to reality but sometimes we need to consider that there could be a few good things.
As everyone knows, yesterday was Valentine's Day and there were so many mixed emotions in the air and it was all completely obvious. Being recently single I was dreading the day and scared that I would break down, feel lonely, and not want to get out of bed for a while, but, to my surprise, everything went extremely well. I got to school early so there were hardly any people around. As the day progressed I was surrounded by girls with flowers and balloons and cakes and presents, but it didn't make me sad or lonely, instead it made me want candy and lots of it! Eventually I got candy and chocolates, but I also got an ear full of people who "despise" the day.
When I say people, I mean those single girls that wish they had someone to make the day special, but you don't necessarily need a boy to make the day special. Like any other day, you are the one responsible for what happens and if you want the day to be special then make it special yourself. For instance, instead of moping around and crying over how I was now single, I made plans with my friends to hang out and watch movies. The three of us had a blast and none of us were crying or complaining about what a terrible day Valentine's Day is.
Not to say I didn't miss the feeling of being in love or given gifts, but, to be honest, even in a relationship, Valentine's Day wasn't really special because my ex didn't really do anything that special for me, actually, we did nothing on Valentine's Day, just sat around. Turns out, I had a better day without him. I have family and friends that care about me and that's on a day to day basis, so I am extremely grateful for the good things I'm given in life! My challenge this time: Make your day special on your own terms. Don't depend on someone else, the day is yours to create!

Future

The world is intimidating. There is so much violence, natural disasters, and people treating each other poorly. Everyone is expected to know what they want by the time they reach their senior year of high school. Life after high school is so difficult. There is a scarcity for jobs and employers are looking for that perfect fit, the one who has a college degree and meets their check list.
Yet, everyone searching for a job right out of college don't seem to find the job in that career they majored in. A lot of these graduates end up with a minimum wage job along with those who didn't go to college. These graduates from Berkley and Irvine and all these high class places working with those from community college if they went to college at all. So many high school students have set the bar low and aim to at least graduate high school and maybe community college because they can't afford any universities. I've heard so many times from my peers, "What's the point of going to a university if I'm gonna end up with a minimum wage job? There's no point in spending so much money."
Honestly, being in the same shoes as most of them, I completely understand, but it's so hard to decide since half of it is true and half of it isn't. What if I do get the chance at finding a job for that career I want so badly but I can't get it because of the school I went to? Then again if I don't find a job with that major I won't be disappointed because I didn't take the risk. There's a good and bad side to things.
Personally, I wish I could take a year off and live life to the fullest but there's something inside me that tells me to push through and continue studying, eventually I will have the money to do what I want, but it's not now. There's a constant debate, but no answers or solutions. Which will I end up choosing? There's no way to tell, but my hopes are that it turns out to be the best decision.
As far as the future goes, I'm still young and hope I don't regret not going out and trying things. I wish I was spontaneous but that's far too risky. What will the future hold? There's no way to know for sure.

Be smart (2)

I always thought my generation was one of the worst generations and I still believe that but some of the adults now are terrible teachers. It's sad to see the world the way it is becoming.
Yesterday my mom and I went shopping, we had just parked and were heading into the store when we say this kid leave a shopping cart right behind a car instead of taking it 5 more steps to its supposed location, where it really belongs! My mom and I turned to the kid and were like "Really?" The kid looked us straight in the eye then turned around and walked away! His mom gave us a dirty look! Really?!
A week prior to this situation I was babysitting and went to the store with this child, we were sitting outside eating ice scream when this man parked over two spots in a handicap zone with no handicap permit. He got out of his car, looked at me, and kept walking! I snapped a few pictures and we sat outside eating until he came back out, got in his car, and sat there on his phone. Seriously people?!
It's already bad enough that society is so high paced and introverted that no one gives a crap about each other or anyone but themselves now we are teaching the future generations such bad habits! The same goes for driving. Recently I passed my driving test, and since I live in a city I decided to take the test in a city environment for the fact that I will be spending most of my life driving in a city. Everyone around me, however, took their test in a country setting because it's "so easy to pass." I am going to die! How can I trust the drivers around me if they took their test where there's nothing but cows?! It's so easy, I get it, no one wants to challenge themselves, which is why a lot of immigrants are taking hard labor jobs because no one wants to work hard. Everyone wants that teacher that gives easy A's, or that elective that gives you credit just for showing up. It's so easy to find the easy way out but life is not that simple and all those people will be screwed when they find that out. I for one love challenges and being logical. Why in the world would I take my driving test in the country setting when I live in a city? Why would I take regular classes if the subject is so easy to me? Why would I speed when I know I may get caught? Where's the fun in the easy way out? I see no reason to take the easy way.
As for the children of the world, seriously parents, teach your kids to have respect. If by the age of 10 they are cussing you are doing a bad job. If by the age of 6 your child is obese, get them into a sport ASAP! By high school they should be testing their limits, seeing the world in a different perspective, and being respectful. If your kid by the age of 16 cannot have deep, logical conversations, they are not being tested by life. It is important that kids grow up to be better than we were not worse. The challenge this week: Be smart.

Compassion

I've realized I don't have as much free time on my hands like I used to but now that I look back on my posts, I rant a lot, and I apologize for stressing such small and insignificant issues that really do not compare to major circumstances. I truly am a teenager.
Looking around me, I find myself surrounded by such a variety of individuals that are either a good influence or a bad one. My goal as a teacher for confirmation students is to be able to get through to them and have them trust me the way I trust them. I can only hope they do not repeat my personal stories but if that's the choice they make, then maybe they're not the kind of person I thought they'd be.
Tonight I shared one of my most personally stories, the one that makes me cry remembering the emotions I went through, I have a feeling that I got through to some of them, that they really were listening to me. It's a strategy I tend to use to make them believe me when I say, "I get really personal and I just hope you don't tell anyone. I am trusting you." It hurts to bring up the past, but sometimes the past is where you see how much you've grown and how much you can still change.
There is no perfect person in this world, but that does not mean you need to abandon all hope; change and you will see the difference. I am immature, crazy, and sometimes, no, I usually overreact for nothing in particular. There are times where I do not understand how my family or my boyfriend put up with me, I go berserk and scream and yell and cry and through tremendous fits even at the age I am. I tend to think maybe I grew up too fast and now my childhood caught up to me, or maybe, I'm just insane and have no idea what I'm doing, but I do want people to see I have a lot of faces, and I know there are a lot of people who go through the same, but I don't know which face I really am.
I've lost myself through the transitions and cannot remember who I was as a child or who I want to be, my mind gets filled with doubts and rumors and believe what anyone tells me. "You're bipolar!" Maybe I am. "You're 'emo.'" At some point. "You're a liar." Only when it's necessary. "You fight too much." Yes, I do. Honestly, I will agree with almost anything anyone ever tells me, but the one thing I know for sure is when someone tries to put me down that only means they've done something wrong if not worse than what I have. Everyone has their stories, who am I to judge? I am an open-minded person and I pray to God that I can reach people and make them see the brighter side. Hopefully I find out who I am during the process. It's time to find a way to help each.
Recently during my English class there was a debate on how society treats each other. "There are less compassionate people in this world." There are only a few stories you hear, here and there, that are about people doing a good deed for someone else, but, to be honest, they're becoming pretty rare. Everyone is starting to think that anyone who begs will only use money for drugs or alcohol, who are we to know if they truly are struggling. Personally, I don't care what they do with the money, whatever money I give is usually money that would have been squandered on useless things, maybe they will get drugs but at least my conscience is clean and I feel better that I did something that could potentially help someone in their time of need.
I'd like to see more kindness in the world and less judgment. Here's my challenge to you: Don't think. By that I mean, try to be selfless and not worry if someone else is going to appreciate what you've done or not. You've done what you can and that's all that matters. Do a good deed and don't repent or beat yourself up about, you've made a difference in the world, that's all that matters.

Be smart

Are girls nowadays that misled? Are we falling down the chart of intelligence? Honestly, I fear for our well-being. There have been too many incidents and issues that have arisen because of teens being, well, for lack of a better word, dumb.
Recently, there was a movie on TV that my mom had recorded. I'm not sure what its title is, and I missed most of the movie, but towards the end it is discovered that the protagonist's mother was guilty of posting videos or pictures of her daughter, potentially ruining her future. This movie definitely got me thinking, but just thinking simply disappears after 24 hours. However, I had overheard a few males who attend my high school talk about girls, who also attend our school, who had sent naked pictures of themselves to someone but those pictures were sent around and most of the males are currently in possession of these photos. I am disgusted.
According to Libby Quaid, who wrote of this topic on huffingtonpost.com, 1 in 4 teens admit to sending naked pictures of themselves. 1 in 4! Teens are slowly losing my respect. The fact that a lot of the girls who have sent pictures of themselves are girls I know or have grown up with and that disturbs me more than anything. I don't care how much they "trust him" no guy can keep that to himself, be honest with yourself girls! RESPECT yourself! These pictures don't just go away, with a snap and a click those pictures will not only be sent to the person you intend to send it to, but also his friends, the internet maybe, and sometimes it makes a full circle and ends up on a phone or screen of someone you DID NOT want to see that photo.
At the same time, when you send a picture of yourself, there's nothing left to the imagination and the conquest to be boyfriend and girlfriend is lost because everyone automatically assumes they'll "get some" and be done with it. Boys at our age are not as respectful as we expect them to be. Personally, I do not see an age where boys finally mature to the point that they do not do stupid things like forward naked pictures of a girl, and I've met plenty of older men to understand they will almost always resend that photo. Please, girls, be conscious of your actions because anything you regret will always come back to haunt you, no matter how "cool" you are, how much you "trust him," or even how much you "don't give a fuck," you will care. If you don't, I do, because you not only ruin the reputation for yourself but also the rest of us girls. Once one girl sends a picture, all girls are expected to and that's just not fair. I am not trying to put guys down, I just see it more commonly in girls; yes, I am aware that boys also fall victim to this and I hope you heed my advice.
Here's my challenge to you "sexters" out there: Respect yourself and receive respect in return. Stop sending naked pictures or any kind of dirty picture and see how differently you are treated.
Please, be careful. Be aware!

I'm wrong

Can I do anything right? I try so hard to please people and make good impressions but is what I'm doing wrong? Maybe I'm not working hard enough, maybe I need to try better, study longer, be nicer. But then I stop to think, wait, why am I the only one doing anything?
If something goes wrong at school, it's my fault for not getting a good grade. If my boyfriend and I get into an argument,  I'm the one overreacting. When there's a rumor, it's my fault for influencing it. No matter what I do, I come out on the bottom. It's all my fault I should have known better. You know what? Yes, I should have known the world would be against me at some point.
I can never be good enough. I want too much and work so little. Apparently, I'm not as smart as I thought I was and no one is afraid to tell me that. When I worry or care people get annoyed by me and tell me to "back off." Yes, I set myself up to be disappointed, I expect so much out of people but I need to remind myself that I am alone. Everyone will always be against me. I can do nothing right. When I want things to work, and I really hope they do, I'm expecting too much. When I know that someone I am friends with can succeed if they try hard, I will do whatever I can to help them and tell them they can do it, but no, I'm expecting too much and pushing them too hard. Am I doing something wrong?
I thought I was a hard working student, but I'm "maybe average" and need to "study more." My grades "have to raise" even though it's only the fourth week of school and so little of my grades have been put in. I need to "stop acting like this" and just "relax" but how can I when I'm suppose to be doing so much for so many people. I have to succeed. But it's okay if someone else screws up because they have an excuse to be that way, it's "how they are" and I have to accept that. So why am I the only one changing and that's okay? I thought people had to accept me for who I am? No, it's because it's me that everyone else is doing the right thing and I'm the only one doing wrong.
I learned today that no matter what I think, I am always wrong. When I think something is unfair to me, it's okay since it's someone else committing the issue. When I think I deserve a little bit better, I am not only setting myself up for disappointment and expecting too much. Somehow I thought people could change for me, for my sake, not because I tell them to, but I was wrong. I'm still the one with the problems and need to fix that. There's no way out of this misery.