New Blog

Hello everyone, it has been so long since I posted on this blog and felt it was outdated and immature for my liking so I have started a new blog! Please join me on keeppacewithdamaris.blogspot.com 

Thank you all so much!

2016

     First of all I'd like to apologize to those who enjoy reading my blog for not having posted in over a year. My life had taken a strange turn of events and has since been taking my attention away from here.
     Since July of 2015, (wow, that's a long time) I've made and lost friends, achieved and failed classes, went through a break up, went on vacation, and witness sickness and death within my family. As most people are aware, 2016 was not the best year for most people and that includes me. Not only in my personal issues but also politically and socially. I'm not one to speak politics so I won't discuss that nor do I wish to start any controversy, but I can say with confidence that I am disappointed in the way 2016, in its entirety, has turned out.
     Honestly, I remember being stressed and hurt most of the year. I'd broken up with my boyfriend of two years halfway through the summer then took a trip to Colombia for a couple weeks before school started. During my trip I noticed how sad I truly was in my relationship and I felt ashamed for having let it gone so long. Luckily, my family unknowingly helped me through and made me realize that family will always be there for me, so I should never push them aside. They taught me to enjoy life when you can and make due with what you got. I had a lot of genuine laughs and made a lot of memories. When I came back from my trip I felt renewed and ready to take on school and control my life.
     Almost immediately I made friends and formed a small group in my organic chemistry class. I grew closer with those who do research in the same lab as me and gained more confidence. However, during the month of October both my grandparents grew ill and were taken to the hospital. During this time I saw my mother step up to the plate and take control of the situation. I admire my mom and all the work she started to put in by cooking, cleaning, running errands, and taking care of both of my grandparents. Thankfully both have gotten better and my mother has gotten into a bit of a routine, but after everything transpired, I felt motivated to get through my semester without complaining to my family so they had one less thing to worry about.
     I studied hard with my group of friends and spent a lot of time in lab. Yet, I'm the kind of person who also makes time to have fun. There were days that I would spend with my sister or my best friend and I even went on a few dates. When I started dating I wanted to make sure I was ready. After coming out of a long relationship that took a toll on my confidence and trust, I didn't just want to jump right in and potentially hurt someone else, so I waited. I made it a priority to make sure I was happy on my own. I'd read somewhere that being in a relationship is about being happy when you're by yourself but even happier with another person. Happy I became. I made friends and grew closer with family. I focused on school and really felt like I was starting to do well. My confidence increased and I realized that I am worth a good effort. A few months in, I felt ready. It was nice to go on a few dates but one guy stood out the most and we've gotten closer ever since. My happiness has increased despite how the semester ended.
     My grandmother on my father's side passed away recently... I knew it was going to be hard on my father but I hadn't realized how hard. There's no pain like the loss of a parent, but I have been blessed to have both of mine still alive. Death is not easily accepted and the grief is different for everyone. Some prefer to reminisce in the good memories, some cry, and some distract themselves in work, among many other coping mechanisms. When my father returned from burying his mother I knew I had to be strong and listen. Although I'm his youngest and recently turned 21, he needed someone to support him while my mom was on her trip, so I stepped up. It hasn't been easy on him, but he's getting through and I'm proud of him for that.
     The idea of death and suffering has been on my mind tremendously. I began to wonder what I'd prefer if I got too sick to take care of myself or if I had cancer or if I had gotten into a bad car wreck. It's not smart to think about all that but when there's death, I tend to wonder. There's no way to ever be ready for death and I'm always afraid I'll die young before I get to experience life. If you've lost track or have not read far enough, I work as a receptionist for a church. Recently I had a woman come in to request that three names be added to our prayer list for the sick. Turns out, these three names were of three little girls who all had some kind of cancer... they're 10 years old. Here I am, fearful that I'll die "young" at the age of 21 when these little girls are only 10. I pray that they get through and fight off their cancer because then they can experience life in their own special way. I've gotten to get an education, have boyfriends, make friends, and take trips. I've gotten to travel and try new foods and be happy. I would hate to find out these girls did not get to experience any of that... make memories of their own.
     2016 has been a year of heart ache and happiness. Self-doubt and self-growth. I've learned so much in such a short period of time and hope to continue to grow. It'll take time and time is what I hope to have. Here's my challenge to you: Live life one day at a time and to the fullest. Learn something, create a memory, be happy, but don't regret a minute of your time. Good or bad, grow from it and be the person you want to be. That's what will make 2017 a better year. A better you. Good luck!

Not ready

It has come to my attention that I am not ready to have kids any time soon. Unfortunately, at my age of 19, there are quite of few girls who have had children. When I see those girls looking at me with something in their eye, I'm not sure if it's jealousy or shock. It's not as uncommon anymore to see a pregnant teen, which is heart wrenching. These girls have most likely put their education on hold and took care of the baby, that's if they had no other way to go about finishing school.
I'm the youngest in my family, so I didn't grow up taking care of children, babysitting, or changing diapers. I am extremely clueless as to how to hold a baby or what their cries mean. My godmother had a baby girl almost two years ago and every time I tried to hold her, she would cry, and I would freak out. What did I do? Did I hurt her? Is she dying? Nope. She was hungry. It made me red with embarrassment that I didn't know better, but I know that I want to be a mother some day so I told myself to get some experience.
Around the same time my godmother had her baby, I started to baby sit a 6-year-old who was adorable and well-behaved. No necessary cooking or anything, just play with her; pretty basic. Recently, I volunteered for a Vocational Bible School for children from the age of 3-15. A lot of the older children were leaders, so attitudes weren't an issue. However, when I asked to volunteer the woman in charge asked if I could direct preschoolers in games. It sounded like fun, and I have no issue with committing to a theme and talking to children. Little did I know that most of the preschoolers would be 3 years of age and somewhat of a handful.
We had a total of 25 kids in preschool, so we split them into two groups: half would do crafts and the other half would play games with me, then switch after they had their snack. The games seemed easy and I focused on playing at least two a day for one week. I'd rephrase some of them so they would understand better but I was not ready for getting them to stay still or listen. Every day I'd have to find some clever way to set them up, whether it was standing in a line, splitting them up, having them sit and so on. My first day, I had a young girl constantly putting her hand in the fountain we had in the courtyard and getting some of my supplies wet. The second day, I had three kids fall while they were running. My third day went better where I had certain groups set up a different way and I made sure no one ran, and had to yell at some boys for not listening. My fourth day was the best day since all the groups listened and understood the game. Unfortunately, my last day I had to force one group not to play a game because they wouldn't listen to the rules I gave them. Whilst setting up and standing in the sun, I had to deal with screaming children, children who always whined, others would cry, some wouldn't listen, some wouldn't shut up, needless to say, I had a great mix of children for a week.
The woman in charge was telling me one morning that "the best way to enforce abstinence is to put teens in a room of preschoolers and babies, just to see how they would deal with it." Brilliant! I am soooo not ready. Despite the fact that I had a blast watching them play and dance, it was clear to me that I am not ready to put my education, job, and life on hold to take care of a baby, let alone raise them. Say I was pregnant at this moment, I do not have a steady job, it's only part time and I still live with my parents. I'm only going into my second year of college and was hoping to graduate, but with a baby, I can't do that. Say my boyfriend wanted to help with this baby, he is also working a part time job, going to school, and living with his parents. Most likely we'd both be kicked out and can't afford a place or even a meal, the entire idea of having a baby just does not suit.
I'm not saying all teens would not succeed in raising their child well, but there is a lot at stake. Definitely keep in mind everything that would change for a baby. The environment and people they'll be exposed to and how they'd be raised. All the supplies needed for a baby: diapers, stroller, crib, changing station, etc. all cost money. Babies shouldn't be tossed aside or given to your mother, grandmother, relatives in general because you weren't ready isn't fair to them or the baby. If you're not ready for a baby in your life, take the proper precautions and think things through.
I just want to send a message to all teenage girls, if there are any reading my posts: please think things through. If you're not ready to put your entire soul into raising a child then don't have unprotected sex. At least protect yourself as much as you can. I can't tell you not to have sex because that's your decision, not mine, but please, don't bring a child into this world without having an idea of how you want to bring him/her up.

Shoes and shadows

It's been a while since my last post and I realize I did promise to write more consistently but things have gotten busy for me. I was so moved at this time that I could not stand going to sleep before writing something about it.
I have just finished watching The Boy in the Striped Pajamas and was filled with so many different emotions. It wasn't the movie itself that created these emotion--although it did well in its portrayal of the time period and child innocence-- it was the fact that it was history. History has shown us so much and as much as I despise learning about it in school and potentially failing the class, it's something that can never be rewritten, no matter how hard we try to act like it didn't happen.
There have been many books, movies, even stories passed down from survivors and family that show us the brutality of the Holocaust. In middle school I read a play version of Anne Frank's diary that made me second guess reading her actual diary. In high school I watched Schindler's List, which opened my eyes to a bigger part of the Holocaust and the torturous truths of what happened. This past semester in college I read The Book Thief, which consisted of a very unique perspective on this event.
We can learn so much from all these stories and all the facts, but it's how we react to this that allows us to fully understand what happened. When I was younger, I was more naive and unaware of what happens around me so I reacted sullenly to Anne Frank's story while my teacher sobbed at the horrors of what happened. With a better understanding that the Nazis really believed they were doing the right thing and tortured the Jews, Schindler's List made me cry and watch with my mouth hanging open at what was potentially the lives of those my age, younger or older. No one could survive and yet there were few who were lucky.
I see now, that my heart aches and my blood boils knowing what people did to each other back then because of what they believed and who they believed in. At this moment I curse the world for being idiotic and prideful, trying to overtake someone and destroy lives. We go to wars and create more death and destruction, don't take me in the wrong way, I value what our troops do every day and admire them for doing what I'm to cowardice to do. In fact, I have had many friends and peers who have enlisted and I pray for them every night for their safe return.
It's hard to imagine that maybe in the future my kids or my grand kids will be learning in school about the devastation that was 9/11; they'll be taught that because of such a high-level terrorist attack we declared war and were at war for so long. They'll learn about Bid Laden and racial discrimination and the paranoia that we Americans created for ourselves thinking if I participate in a marathon, I may be blown up, or I'd really prefer not to fly because what if someone hijacks the plane? What would I do? and sadly even should I risk going to the movies today? We live in fear, but maybe our kids and our kids kids wont. Maybe, they'll look down on us and say what I'm saying, that what happened was horrendous and should never happen again all because we so desperately believed we can make peace with the world through violence and pride. "History in the making." We think we're doing something right, but they may think we did something wrong. We can never be too sure.
And that's why I end this post with this: for what happened then and for what happens now, we should take a chance to step into some else's shoes and not hide in the shadows that is our past. Let's not repeat history.

College hacks?

My first week of college went by like a breeze and it was interesting. No professor was like the next and each had their own unique personalities. Some I agreed with more than others but all in all it looks like a impacted semester. For starters, there will be a lot of writing in all my classes, even my dance class! A lot of reading and of course, exams, quizzes, and homework.
What I did not expect was to indulged almost immediately in my English class and excited for my lab class. Although I put on a disgusted face for the 3 hour long lab, yet, if this is the major I want to graduate in, then the lab is the perfect place to discover my likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses. Already in my English class I was assigned reading that I began almost as soon as I exited the classroom. The reading were unexpected but there was an article my teacher had us read that I really enjoyed called: The Importance of Writing Badly by Bruce Ballenger. In this article he describes how students dread writing because they've always been reprimanded for horrible grammar and "awkward" sentences. Students become insecure of their writing abilities and have been molded to take hours and hours trying to write and perfect their essays for a teacher that will cover it in red ink. Ballenger focuses on the idea of allowing students to discover their own mind and have them think for themselves. In doing so, students will be able to write clear and concise reports on whatever topic is given. That's a practical idea and should be performed by several professors and teachers that have told me I suck.
On a different note, a gentleman came into work today and saw me working on my homework. He asked if I was in college and if he ever told me his method of studying. What he told me is something that I hope many college students read that I considered extremely helpful. Take 30 minutes every night to read ahead and familiarize yourself with the material for the next class lesson. By doing so, you will go into class with questions that will hopefully be answered and is more like review to understand the material thoroughly. Also, if any exam or quiz is approaching, take about an hour a day to study to avoid last minute cramming and thorough studying of all the lessons and notes without having skipped over or missed parts of the material. Lastly, do not be afraid to ask questions or meet with your professor because when the professor sees how much effort you're putting into the class, it wont go unrecognized. I consider all this a kind of college hack because everything is not to go against you or make your life miserable, instead, it's to help you get ahead without stressing you out. These few techniques will most likely get you farther than you think.

Homeless

Everyday that passes I find myself more appreciative of what I have. The clothes I wear, that I have a place to live and food to eat. Today, at work, I found a homeless man sleeping on a bench outside the office. He was wrapped in a comforter and looked sound asleep, so I did my best not to interrupt him during his slumber. Once I entered the office and began to set up, Monsignor was talking to me and I told him about the man sleeping outside. He informed me that the man comes and goes, but is no real harm. Normally he asks for food or drink and sits in the waiting area to stay warm. Monsignor showed me where we keep the food and what I can offer as drink.
The homeless man didn't come in for a while but of course he did come in at some point. It was heart wrenching, seeing a man like him act the way he did. I don't know his real story but Monsignor and another co-worker of mine explained that I shouldn't believe his stories because most of them are fables. This man, he was tall, light clue eyes, tanned skin but extremely dirty. Smudges of dirt all over his face and hands. He had a dirty blonde tint to his hair that I could not distinguish if it was dirt or his actual hair color. His nails had grown out and were caked in dirt. He had a beard that curled but didn't blow in the wind. He wore a red hoodie and a white T-shirt underneath. He wore some worn out jeans and I never really got a clear look of his shoes but at a glimpse, they were old running shoes.
As he sat in the waiting area, he would start to talk, mostly to himself and sometimes I wouldn't know whether he was talking to me or not. His voice would begin loud then fade and he's babble almost like a child. He'd get excited about something, laugh at his own words and continue talking. I tried to follow his stories, I really did, but I kept getting lost because he kept changing topics midway through. It was hard, I'll admit, to feel completely comfortable around him because growing up I'd witness a few things. When I was in middle school, there was a homeless man wandering near a burger joint. I was with my mom in the car and she always had a heart to help people in need, so she bought an extra burger and parked. She got out of the car and told me to stay put, so I twisted in my seat to watch her approach the man. Suddenly, as my mom showed him the burger, he slapped it out of her hands, yelled something and nearly knocked her over. She came rushing back to the car, got in, and drove off. Both of us were rattled and didn't digest what happened for a while. Since that moment, I never knew how to react to homeless people and so, I sat behind my desk the entire time, listened and attempted to decipher his words. There was a long, silent pause before he asked if he could have a cup of coffee, so I went to the kitchen and got him a cup full. He continued to sit for a while, babbling on and on.
The phone began to ring often so I was kept busy by work. After a while he came up to me and asked for more coffee so I got him another cup full. He walked outside and I sat, contemplating what I had seen before my eyes. I looked down at myself then at the reflection of myself through my blank phone screen. I'm lucky... I thought, to have clothes and a lot of them, to be able to decide what I wear, to see the shoes I had gotten myself for Christmas as a gift from my parents. My hair, clean and soft from being washed often. My hands and body, clean because of the water I use to shower, a house to sleep in instead of a bench and food, not just coffee. How lucky most of us are... how selfish we get... how blind we are. We live day to day, going to work, earning money, buying food, paying bills, and even complain about how "life is Hell!" We have no real idea until we lose it all, and even I can't imagine how it would be like, I've grown up well with material things, but I do my best to give back. I donate my clothes, if I money to spare I'll give it away, no questions asked, but I, like most people in the world, am selfish. I could try to fake it and continuously go to soup kitchens, and so on but I'm not going to lie to myself or the readers of my blog. Yes, I have days were I go out and help pass out clothing and those are the day were I sincerely want to help. I don't go to make myself feel mighty and good for helping, of course I feel better knowing I helped, but I feel better leaving that place knowing that there are people who can now wear clothes and shoes around that are practically new compared to their rundown everything.
Children, children that now have shoes to wear to school so they don't get bullied, shirts that are clean. Even children who get a chance to read books and keep them. I've never had to go through what they went to and that makes me lucky. It makes you lucky too. Take some time to reflect on what you have and the life you were given. If you were like me where you didn't really have to struggle then think about what kind of person you are. Now, think about a life where you had nothing. I'm not going to tell you to go out and start doing things for the community, that's up to you, but I just want you to take time out of this "Hell hole" to think how lucky you really are. You are lucky. Remember that and life is worth living.

Grateful

I see now that it has been a long period of time since I last posted on my blog. Hopefully, I have not lost my readers since I aim to add more posts. As a quick update, I have finished my first semester of College, working successfully at the church, and have gained a new appreciation of things.
My first semester in college, admittedly, passed slowly because I was not in classes that tested my limits. Of course, that's what I thought until I reached the end of the semester and began studying for finals. I got extremely confident and didn't push myself to study and showed up to the final, basically, unprepared. (Note: if you are in college or are about to start, and I'm sure you've heard this a lot, do not slack off.) My math final definitely took me by surprise and I did my best to get at least partial credit; if you are taking a final and aim for partial credit then that proves you did not study enough. My chemistry final seemed extremely easy to me and I felt successful. My English final was a presentation and since it was a class built up on theater majors, it was more of a performance.
By the end of finals I felt relieved that the semester was over and I looked forward to a new semester, but what was important was that I was now on vacation until mid-January. As a bonus, my mom's cousin, wife and son included, came to stay with us. I've mentioned this family prior when I had gone on my trip to Colombia, but this was a different experience. The kid was now older but still acted like a child. Regardless, they came to stay with us in our small condominium for about a month, if not more. It was an experience, I can say, showed me a new perspective on a few things.
For starters, parenting is not something that comes easy but there are a few things that are common sense. If your child is talking down to you at the age of 10 this means that the child is starting down the path of being ungrateful and spoiled. Another indicator is when the child gets a large array of gifts but still asks, begs, and cries for more. At the age of 10, a child should know how to get on a swing and is fearless about going down a slide. In addition, they should have so much energy that all they want to do is go outside and run around. I'm not a parent, but I hope to be one day and I learned that I do not want my kid to think that he/she is better than those below their status. I see my mom's cousin and his wife approaching these situations differently and that's saddening; they've lost control and don't know how to fix it.
I'm not here to say that they are terrible parents, they're not, but it's hard to see them struggle to keep control of their son. They're pleasant individuals and fun to be around, the kid has his moments where I enjoy his company, and in the end, they are family and I love my family, usually. During they're stay here, I began to realize how lucky I am to be living here in the United States. Granted, I don't have an extremely well paying job but I have a job, nonetheless, and with that job I earn money for gas and little things that I want to buy. On top of that, I live in a house with my parents who love me and want me to succeed. I live in a house that is in a safe area and I don't have to worry about getting fed. Although the family who came to visit is better off than most people in Colombia I keep in mind that the rest of our family has worked day to day just trying to earn enough to live under a roof. I am grateful for everything I have and more. I am grateful that I can get myself leisurely things like Starbucks or now, a laptop. When I look at kids today, I see how easy it is for them to think that whatever they want is easily given to them because they're parents buy it, but what they don't register is that mom and dad work hard everyday for countless hours just to earn money to be able to afford what they child wishes to have because a child's happiness is what counts. May I just warn parents that giving a child whatever they want without having them earn it is a dangerous decision because they could potentially grow up spoiled and with lack of motivation.
My current job at the church has made me very appreciative because it's a job that I enjoy, being able to communicate with people over the phone or in person and that constant interaction has allowed me to make new friends and gain experience. I've gotten to the point where I am no longer afraid to confront people and talk to them. Communication is highly important in all aspects, work, relationships, families, and so on. If there is a lack in communication in any of these areas, some things just don't work out.
Speaking of relationships, if you've ever been interested in my personal life, more than I've already told, yes, I am with Jacob and in just three short months it will mark a year (not to the day) that we've been together. Jacob has taught me so much about myself that I didn't know and I can be myself around him no matter what. We have long, meaningful conversations, and can talk about anything. We enjoy doing things that cost nothing at all and that makes me happy. He makes me laugh and cry and act like a complete lunatic but by the end of the day, we are happy and in love. This is the start of a new year and I hope to change myself for the better. If you're the kind of person who makes new year's resolutions, aim to keep them, because I hope I will. If I can do it, of course you can do it!